Home is where the heart is
by alwaysvesi
Summary: One-shot story just after "The frozen lake" from Deeks' POV - what he thinks, what he does just after he learns Kensi's been reassigned.


He's just walking, his palm clenching the knife in its case. If he keeps walking then maybe, just maybe, it won't be true and the feeling of a big black hole that threatens to swallow him would dissapear. He can hear his own heart beating in his chest painfully. It's after the end of the workday and it's just so… quiet. Too quiet. He can't stand quiet. So he's trying to find sound sourses: the unsteady beat of his heart, his shoes hitting the tiles, then the stone pavement, then the asphalt of the parking lot. There's traffic nearby that occupies his senses - at least one of them. But the sun is setting and somehow he's suddenly scared of it - of the end of the day. And maybe it's because he pictured it differently but maybe it's all because he's barely been good lately and it's been all because of her and now she's gone.

She's gone.

The words resonate in his brain while he leans on his car taking a deep breath in.

'Deeks?' he hears a quiet but steady voice nearby. He recognises Callen's voice, he doesn't need to turn to look at him to see the senior agent. Marty just closes his eyes for a second so he can compose himself, then turns around.

"Hey… Hi, G." his voice sounds flat even to himself and it doesn't seem to fool Callen either. Deeks brushes if off and just continues, one hand going absendmindedly through his hair 'Thought you… thought you were long gone - beer with Sam or… home…" he almost can't hold the bitterness in his voice in the last word.

"I was just heading there" Callen nods - a barely visible motion Deeks sees just because he knows it so well. No matter how distracted, the LAPD officer notices a certain softness in his team leader's voice. He just nods though, his thoughts drifting away again.

Home. They say home is where the heart is, don't they. Well, if that's true then he has no idea where his home is right now. Deeks realises he's still holding the knife in its holder in his other hand. He also sees Callen eyeing it and can almost guess the question on his mind.

"Kensi gave it to me today because I, um… I couldn't get a weapon in there" he says not so specifically. Now they're outside of Ops, it's all classified. But God isn't he tired of classified and saving the world. He smiles, recalling the Max-Fern coversation earlier "The suit was too tight anyway" he shruggs.

Callen nods.

"Yeah, pretty tight" he frowns a little, his lips pressing in a line for a second as if considering to say something. "Listen, Deeks, I know what you're thinking, but she's going to be okay and home in no time. She's with Granger and I don't know how long it's going to take but I'm sure it's not going to be that long"

Deeks just nods in his direction in anticipation, a little ashamed he's so easy to read and maybe just a little bit pathetic. Who cares anyway. It's not like Callen and Sam didn't know about him and Kensi from the moment they stepped into Ops in the morning.

"Yeah, I know." He says casually as if to brush it off, looking at Callen with a smile they both know he's faking. "It's just she's my partner and I'm not there to have her back, I worry."

Callen nods in agreement.

"If it's any consolation for you, I don't like it either. She's like a sister to me." His blue eyes go around the parking lot and settle on the setting sun "She'll be home soon, you'll see" he smiles a little at Deeks, who just nods back. Again.

"Yeah, she will"

There's reallly nothing more to say so Callen just turns towards his car and Deeks does the same. Seeing his own faded expression and almost blank eyes reflected in the rear window, he can't help but think about how alive he felt when he got out of this same car just half an hour ago, how alive he felt last night too. His eyes drift away from the reflection and he fishes for the keys in his pockets.

The moment he settles in the car he closes his eyes, letting go the breath he hasn't even realised he has been holding. His heart rate slows down but tireness settles all over his body. A kind of tireness he's pretty familiar with for some time now and he doesn't like it. Determined to not let it conquer him, Deeks starts the car and gets the vehicle out of the now almost empty parking lot.

The silence in the car is not as bad as it was outside and in the NCIS headquarters but he still reaches for the radio. A smile creeps on his lips and he shakes his head at the techno station that goes off - a sure sign Kensi's been in his car this morning. He turns the volume down before searching for his favorite station.

As he stops at a red light, his phone beeps. He takes a quick look ahead so he can be sure it's okay to check it out. The missed call, text message and voice mail make him suddenly stiffen. His fingers are as quick as they can be checking them out, although the time stamp confuses him. He should have heard his phone gone off.

"Mission from Hetty. I don't want to go. I'm sorry" read the message. Deeks swallows hard.

I don't want to go.

He sighs heavy. Always the planet to save. Always no time to be themselves, to be ordinary, to drive in the pick up truck he doesn't own and to get ice cream by the beach. He can't help but hit the steering wheel with his closed fist. He looks at his hand for a second. Anger, however minor, is better than apathy and he knows is.

The light turns green and he's driving within the speed limit because the last thing he needs right now is a ticket or something. Especially after being so reckless getting from the hospital to Ops. And for nothing.

The next traffic lights give him the opportunity to check his voice mail. Her soft voice surprises him:

"Hey, I don't have much time, but I wanted to hear you, even… even on a recording" he smiles, practically picturing her standing somewhere as private as she can, trying to avoid Granger. There are all kinds of airport noises around her and he can hear her gasp as Granger's voice calls from somewhere near "I've got to go, sorry" her voice is soft and almost breaking. "I'm going to see you soon, okay? " the tension in her voice is clearly audiable "Please take care of yourself, you have a promise to keep, I'll be back as soon as I can, I promise, I'll be back. Bye!"

For a moment he's so overwhelmed he doesn't see the light turning green in front of him. A series of horns gets him out of his state of bliss, but his heart is fluttering with something nice, something not so familiar as it probably should be. She knew she could get into a lot of trouble with Granger if he caught her calling him - and from her own cell that can be easily detected and traced - but still, she made that call. Just to tell him to take care for himself while she's gone.

Deeks finally makes it home. Monty meets him with his usual joyful wag of the tail. His blonde master scratches his head between the ears and the dog makes some happy sounds Deeks smiles at.

"You're good, buddy" he pats the dog again as he removes the suit he didn't bother to change from and the ruined shirt underneath it. He sighs while changing in his favorite hoodie, that now smells of her. "You're good" he repeats quietly. His eyes fall on her empty coffee cup from the morning and he smiles because he knows that when she's back, he's ready to cross that lake as slow and as patiently as he can and should

"We're good."


End file.
